i am a bad person

i love making friends but people tend to define me as someone not to be trusted and sort of hypocrite in someways. i don't blame them completely because i do have that unwanted qualities. qualities? i honestly think that i do give that 'i'm a bad person' look to most people which i'm terribly sorry but i don't realize it most of the time and that gave me a hard time. but as soon as they are brave enough to actually talk to me in person, they were shocked of how different i am. ehem 

anyways. i am hypocrite sometimes. well, i don't really know how to define the word hypocrite. i don't know how you define it but i think i'm hypocrite because i tend to try a little bit too hard on trying to fit in. well, i know that i could just talk to you and be friends and stuff but i can't because i was afraid that you might not want to be friends. which will lead to awkwardness and sadness. to me that is. i tried to hard okay  sorry

so this lead to a different type me. the type that i thought would fit with most of you and i should just continue being different and be happy.

NOT

after a while i stopped being the fake me or the pretend me because i feel more comfortable being who i really am. and that leads to people thinking or realizing how hypocrite i am. it's true i'm sorry. they saw how different i am and they hate it. huh.

it is hard for me because i don't have a very good past. you get the picture.

so now i actually want to be myself and i tried it here in shah alam and i made it. for now. i'm happy and i don't care anymore when people judge me. not that they judge me in anyway but if they tend to do it like most of my friends did, then what the heck. i don't care anymore. if it's an acceptable comment about me that i would consider to take it but if it's just a lame one than i'm sorry brahh i just don't care. it has been fun with the fact that i don't have to worry anymore.

i told my few friends how i was and how i am and they seemed to understand. i don't know if they can accept it but i'm glad that they don't give you that 'i'm judging you right now' look.

i'm trying to be me again. a better me. so please friends, if you want to give me something, give me something that i really need not something that you need to make yourself happy and proud. for the wrong reason. please?