that one time.

i don't look back on that memory
because it's too much to look at. to feel and to be where i used to be
because you see, when i look back, it's as if i'm there.
i feel everything. i hear every single noise made. so close that i could touch it or smell it
i hate it. looking back that is.

but when i do, i would get stuck in that time for some days before i could look forward again and walk on like everyone else. to the future.
to be stuck there and to have no one to pull me back to the real world scares me the most. it's too dark sometimes because i can't see the bright side of what i used to see. everything is so dark

do you understand me?

if you don't, i wont blame you. it's too complicated. but if you do, then you would know how painful it is. to just be there.






it does not matter how much i try to forget it and walk away because in time, i will go back to that memory and let myself sink in to that darkness, only to find myself crying thinking of what i could change. but the truth is, i can't change what had been done. it's stupid to think that i can. so stupid.

but that's just it. my mind is filled with those images. those memories. particularly that memory.

someone. please. take me away. help me.
just this one. help me embrace the past. the memory. that memory.

don't just let me run because the past can catch up to me.
i am not as strong as i appear to be

yes

i need to be kinder to myself. 

entah la

aku rasa aku makin jauh ke dalam kepala sendiri

macam setiap hari aku take one step ke belakang

undur. tak pandang belakang. tak jalan ke depan

macam stuck dan macam sesat

ntah. aku tak faham situasi aku sekarang. 

rasa dia tu macam kau tulis something dekat kertas lepas tu dia terpadam dengan sendirinya

kau tulis lagi benda yang sama tapi dia terpadam lagi atau orang lain sibuk conteng dekat tempat yang kau tulis. so kau kena padam dan tulis balik

penat. 

aku penat.

semua ni buat aku jadi semakin tak yakin dengan apa yang aku tahu.

macam banyak yang aku kena rethink. 

yes, itu process belajar dan membesar. 

aku faham sangat yang tu

tapi rasa dia lain. 

penat dia lain.

sakit dia lain.

entah.

biar

aku rasa kerdil bila dipandang bodoh.

aku tak sepantas kamu yang boleh bertindak tanpa memikirkan baik dan buruk sesuatu tindakan. 

aku tak sebijak kamu yang tak perlu soal kesahihan sesuatu perkara

aku tak sehebat kamu yang boleh merunding jari tanpa mengenali dahulu.

tidak. aku kerdil dan bertambah kerdil bila kamu pandang aku bodoh. 

memang aku bodoh. 

aku yang bergerak perlahan. aku tahu.

aku perlukan masa sebelum aku berbicara. aku takut kalau yang keluar dari mulut aku itu dosa dan boleh menyakiti orang yang mendengarnya. 

aku kerdilkan diri supaya aku mampu melihat dari pandagan yang berbeza. pandagan yang ramai daripada kamu lupa kerana sibuk meninggikan diri. dari bawah aku lihat dan biar diri ini dipandang bodoh.

memang aku bodoh. 

yang bergerak perlahan dan yang reti hidup dengan manusia

walaupun lambat. walaupun dihina dicaci.

kamu yang buta mata dan buta hati. 

hidup keseorangan walaupun dikelilingi manusia.

hebat pada mata tapi kosong jiwanya. 

apa yang dikejar?

yang bodoh ini tidak mengerti. 

you.

when i love someone, i let them go. 

i let them learn and get to know themselves better.

no, letting go does not mean that they are out of your life. letting go means you give them chance to live. i want them to go on and have their own adventure (too cliche?)

i love them. i love you.

i don't care how far you're going or where you are in this world. 

i want you to live and be happy in the end. 

and i want you to know that i am here. you can always find me like how you used to. 

and yes. i do miss you. 

.

i think i'm too young. i question too much and was too scared to look for the answer for i know that i will be wrong in the end. the answer would shut me in deeper and that would not help. 

but i am young. i am angry, impatient and selfish. but i am not stupid. i learn and observe so i questioned. was i wrong to question things i don't know?

being young frustrate me because i have fear that kept on growing around me. i don't understand the things you want me to do. i was told to question and not to question. i was told to grow but was never allow to. which is it? you tell me. i am young, i don't know. tell me

i am tired. i am trapped. 

tell me.

choose your words carefully and tell me. or better yet, show me. 

let me live. 

'so, do you really want to teach?'

'so, do you really want to teach?'

i was asked this question yesterday and it hit me like a bullet from an arm reach distance. i wasn't prepared so i panicked. funny. for someone who is currently studying to become an educator for about two years now, the question should not be so difficult or so shocking to answer. i mean, i should expect people asking me that question. right?

so there i was, sitting there with so i think a blank expression, hesitating. i guess partly, i was taken aback when i found out that the person asking the question is a lecturer and she used to take TESL as well. hmm. i am very sure that she could see right away that i was not ready for this teaching business. 

well, partly, it is true. i'm not ready. i am clueless but confident enough to walk through every lesson and every challenge. so when the question appear, i cannot answer it right away because it's important to me. saying that 'yes, i want to teach' would be sort of like a promise to me. i feel like if i say it that way, i can't take it back and i HAVE to teach no matter what. it's a pressure to me because i don't know how the future might turn out to be. 

okay. i know that i'm making a big deal out of something so simple but hear me out. 

know how everyone have their own motivation? 

well, this is mine. i keep in  mind whatever i just said and i mean every word. 

if i say something i didn't meant, i will regret it so. even if it sounded silly. even that. 

so words, they are important. whatever i said is my source of motivation 

i had a solid answer in my head - YES! I WOULD VERY MUCH LOVE TO TEACH!

but what came out was

'sort of'

that is the best i can give. 

for now