New Experience

Hello. I haven't write in a while and by 'a while' I actually mean a long time. I wish I have reasons to give as to why I did not write as much as I would like but truth be told, I simply forgot that I have a blog. Aside from that, my so called reasons would only be excuses which I think I should keep to myself instead. Putting that aside, (not that I owe anyone an explanation) I have come to realize that I need to share this thing that kept on bugging me since the first day I entered my class.

You see, I have high expectations when it comes to students and their level of achievements. I don't think much about their attitude because in my perfect world, I assume that with people with higher level of achievement should behave better than everyone else. Well, I was wrong and I actually know that but still, I had hope. So I positively go through my day expecting that everything will be fine and that I can go pass the limit of the traditional way of teaching in class, the chalk and talk, without any problem. Again, I am still wrong but this time, I did not expect that I will be wrong. My 'new' method of teaching did not go well and the first thing that came through my mind was, 'What did I do wrong?'. I kept on analyzing my own teaching and in some parts, I do admit that I did not do well and there are mistakes here and there.

Never have I ever point the cause of the failure to the students because I know that there are many causes of the failure and no one should carry all of the blame. Then, I realize that this whole experience is going to be tough and I would have to constantly improve myself to the better because I'm teaching living human beings. They are going to carry the knowledge that I gave them so I better give the very best. I know that it will never be easy and that I should lower my expectations because as much as I would want things to change, changes takes time. Students still learn through chalk and talk and they are still comfortable with that method with a small additional of discussion here and there. Therefore, however upset I am with the students, I cannot put the blame to them because partly, I have overly high expectations that they will be good in every way.

I should have known that but I still go through every day with high hope because I know that these students can do better and I know that they are capable of so much more.

Okay.. There, I said it and that is that. (at least for now)

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. PLEASE

I'm in my final year of my study and I have a lot to say to some of you who knows me. (k, please don't be offended. or be offended. I don't mind really) 

1. When you're in a group or working in a group, you need to at least contribute something to the group. It's not fair for everyone else when you decided to not participate. 

2. If you're dissatisfied with someone, please don't make a big deal out of it and let everyone know about your problem. Unless you really need a second or third opinion or your problem requires you to share it with everyone. 

3. It's extremely awkward to not say sorry when you messed up. Just say it

4. It's extremely embarrassing when people know that you messed up but you act like nothing happen. Just say you're sorry. Please

5. Sometimes, you need to focus on what's going on around you (I'm talking to you aliaa)

6. Be nice to people, like generally, because you never know when you need their help

7. When people ask you something, give an effort to answer it or at least pretend like you care

8. Don't be mean. Sometimes you don't realize how mean you can be. 

9. Don't ever forget other people's kindness to you

10. When your friends did something terrible, don't abandon them or make them feel bad about it. They can change so help them, don't ignore them. 

11. You need to learn how to be independent

12. You can't always depend on your friends. They have their own life too

13. It's okay to be silly sometimes

14. Don't jump into conclusion. Investigate

15. Don't freak out over small problems that can easily be solve. Calm down

16. If you don't like someone's attitude, take time to have a one on one conversation with them and solve it

17. It can't be helped but if you can, try not to talk bad about other people. Especially your close friends

18. Don't take advantage of other people's kindness

19. Everyone has their own limits. 

20. Excuses are okay but don't overuse it. Once or twice is acceptable

heartless

When you have the heart to tell your own children that they are less than what they really are, you have destroy parts of their life that they are trying to build. Children, they know that they are different from their friends or the people they have met and throughout their life journey to discover themselves and their identity, they have heard many things and seen many things that made them rise and fall. They know and they go through that every single day trying to fit in and trying to find a solid ground where they can stand on while expecting to have a certain kind of comfort that would always motivate them and remind them that they are perfect. They don't have to go too far to find perfection because they are unique individuals who could shine no matter what people say or do to them. They are perfect. You are perfect.

And yet, what they get is that they are less, they are not good enough, they are stupid, they are ugly, they are everything negative the world has to offer. How can a child live with that in mind and with absolutely no where to go to when they lose themselves along the way? I remember someone told me that she was the least pretty among her siblings and even though people kept pointing out the obvious to her, she still put her heads up high and ignore the mean things people say because her father once told her that she is beautiful and that is enough for her to believe in herself that she is indeed beautiful. Yes, beauty is not the most important thing in the world but what i'm trying to tell you here is that she grew up strong and grew up to discover herself and the idea of beauty in its purest form. She didn't have to go around telling people or showing people how beautiful she is because she know that she is beautiful regardless of what people say. It's not all about the outer appearance, it's the inside that counts.

Now if you have the heart to tell your own children that they are less than what they really are, i don't know what kind of person you are. Help them, they are human beings after all and they know when their own parents treat them as if they are unworthy to even stand on the same level as everyone else. They know how to cry and how to feel pain when you said those horrible things about them. They wanted to feel secure and not fall off track when the whole world look down on them. If they can't even feel save under your care, they can never truly find themselves.

OLD IMAM;YOUNG IMAM

It was the month of Ramadan and whenever I'm at home, I would go to the masjid near my house after iftar for tarawih. I got back home for the semester break and I got back earlier than most of my friends from other programs because I had one paper and thankfully, it was early so I don't really have to wait to take that one final paper. So I went home and got to celebrate the holy month with mum. It was just me and my mum because everyone was away but that was fine.

So one night, we went to the masjid as usual and sat at the same spot. I love that masjid for many reasons. I love the bilal when he call for prayers, I love surah that the imam recites and I just love the whole atmosphere. The imam changes from time to time and usually there's two imam and they would take turn to lead the makmum. One imam was quite old, judging from his voice, and sometimes, due to his old age, he forgot few lines in a surah or the current rakaat so it was confusing for us too sometimes. I can tell that he tried his best to lead the prayer and although he sounds rustic, I kinda like it. The other imam was clearly younger than the old imam. His voice was clear and you can actually check on the tajwid while he recites the surah. His pace was faster than the old imam and so the whole prayer finishes early when he leads. I like both to be honest and I don't mind any of it. 

Back to the story, I sat there with my mum waiting for Isya' like we used to and then we heard the azan followed by the imam's voice telling us to straighten rows. It was really easy to identify whose voice it was and it was the young imam's voice. As we heard his command, we stood up for prayers and just so happened, I noticed the people in front of me smile and said, 'oh, imam muda' after hearing that familiar voice, feeling relieved that the young imam is leading and not the old imam. I can see it clearly on their faces that they are actually happy. I'm not sure if I have misjudged the facial expression or what they have said so forgive me for that. Deep down, I truly feel sad when I witness their reaction. 

I mean, why? Why do you think that one imam is less than the other? You don't know them and what they had to go through just to have the opportunity to lead the people. It's a huge thing to be able to lead people in prayers. It might not look like it to you but it is. I don't know. I was sad that whole night thinking about that poor old imam. 

I just have to let it out and I want people to know that if so you don't like something or someone, don't throw them away like they're useless. Don't judge them before you actually know what's going on. Respect and appreciate them for the time that they have serve the people and don't ignore them when they couldn't provide like they used to. They are still people with feelings. 

   

*

I wish I could just pull you out of your misery and take you somewhere different because when I'm near you, I feel like I'm in a dark bubble that could not pop. That bubble is casting a shadow to your soul and even though I know I can't pull you out, I don't want you to stay there forever. You're not happy there, friend. Listen to me, come out and remember the old you, the happy you. Walk out of that darkness and come to me. I will help you. Please.

DREAMS

It takes a great power to stand up and face your dreams up front. Trust me love, it's easy to think about it and plan in it your head but planning is nothing if there is no execution. I have met a lot of people who talks about dream and shooting high up the sky but not many of them actually wake up from their own dreams and walk to reality. They talk as if they were half asleep. They don't see that dreams are just dreams and soon you have to wake up. What then? Will you work your way on the real world and go for what you have dreamt for? Don't get me wrong, dreams are pathways to your future but you need to move on with your own two feet to that future. 

Dreams will motivate you and keep your head up so you wont lose your way in the real world but dreams will hurt you too. It's normal so don't feel sad because if you have faith in your dreams and yourself, you will get what you want. It's okay to fall once in a while because that way, you will learn to love your dream even more and will want to reach it more than before. If you believe that it's a good dream and that is what you really want, go for it and don't be afraid. It might takes time to reach there but it's worth it. Trust me. 

Based on personal experience, following your dreams is not easy. I wanted to create something new, something where people can go and take a rest from the reality. I wanted to write because from reading, they can enter the world I created and they can feel everything in it as if they were in the pages of the book. It's a dream and I'm working on it. I have my share of glory and misery, That's life and that's how you learn to improve and sustain. It's a long way for me but I have faith on my stories, my characters, my two little hands and myself that I want help those people in need. My writing my change someone's life. Just you wait. 

Btw, congratulation to my dearest friend, amin, for getting the offer to write a book. I am so proud of you brother. 

Assumption

I guess I'm wrong when I thought that as you grow up, at one point of your life, you will know everything and if things come your way, you will be able to deal with it naturally. with lots of experience of course. but as always, I'm wrong. give me a break, I don't know everything in life.

I thought that I have reach that one point of life where I'm wiser and smarter too but then, I witness something rather interesting that changed my mind about things. I'm not wise or smart. at least not yet.

Here what I saw.
I saw an adult make a mistake. now, before you assume anything, I do know that people make mistakes and it's absolutely normal. but this mistake is not a normal mistake that 40 year old people should make. it's practically the basic rule of life. so I sat there watching this person every move and listening to every word he/she said with nothing but amazement. it's amazing how much we don't know. here I am thinking that an older person should know more when the reality is, they are learning too even in their old age. it's the ego that made them think they know better. well, if they do know better then good for them but if they don't, I don't see the reason for them to be a snob.

my point here is that we will always be a student and it doesn't matter who the teacher is. you can be the oldest person alive and still have someone wiser than you. and most importantly, we will not stop learning because what you know now is nothing compare to what the world has to offer.




I guess my assumption earlier was kinda silly. but then again, I'm still learning.