To be continue..

Still deciding on what to write

To a friend

This is for a friend of mine. I know that she's probably not going to read this but who cares. I want to write it out with a tiny hope that she will read it someday.

I first saw her when she was small. She had long beautiful hair that matches her smiling face. I knew it then that we would be best friends. I know from that moment on that we are going to spend a lot of time together and that's what we did. What I did not know was, she was going to change my life drastically. 

I was always fascinated by other people's life and I love observing them and how they go about their daily life. I would then compare it to my normal boring life. I have always thought that there was nothing special about my life when I was small and I grew up understanding that there might be something much more interesting out there. It was worth the time and effort to look for that 'life', I thought. I was immature of course and this little friend of mine caught my attention. She was the ticket, the ticket to a different life. 

So we became friends and we would see each other every day. We talked a lot too and sometimes our conversation would be so long and complicated that we have to continue to the next day. I love talking to her and listening to her stories about her life. Sometimes, I wish I could live her life and experience what it might feel like. She would tell me stories about her school and her family and to me, it sounded wonderful and how I would love to be part of it. 

I wouldn't call it an obsession. I would if it was but it wasn't because I wasn't obsessed with her. I was intrigued by her stories. However, this little desire of mine, to find a different life, took a terrible turn. I found myself consumed with jealousy. There's always a moment in a little girl life where she would be jealous of the things that she did not have. A girl could simply be jealous over a small things such as their friends' toy or something bigger such as their friends' beauty. I was one of those little girl. I was too, jealous. 

I know deep down that it was wrong to be jealous with what my friend have even though in my eyes it felt like she have everything and I have nothing, I still felt that it was not a good feeling to have. Unfortunately, I don't know how to express it or how to deal with it so I kept it, for years and year. I was jealous every time she has a new toy or when people gave her more attention. I was simply jealous and that jealousy grew and grew each year. I never said anything about it to anyone, even to her. 

It changes me. I was no longer the me that I know. I started wanting things that I could not have and even when I did get it, it was a hand me down kind of experience. Pathetic. But it was never her fault and I knew that. She was never at fault. She was always so kind to me. It was always me. I was never happy with who I am and I was the one who wanted more. Of course, at that time, I didn't know that I already have everything and my life was actually perfect. I didn't know of the struggles that she have to go through. I have always see her as someone happy but I never thought that she could actually feel pain and suffering. 

It was selfish of me because I have seen her cry and I have seen her went through tough times but I didn't take that as something serious. Stupid. Stupid Aliaa. My selfishness can go so far that I myself would not realize it. Now, realizing it, I can see her as who she really is, a human. A person with feelings and apparently have more imperfections than I could ever imagine. The perfect image that I always have of her seemed silly now because she was nothing more but a normal human being, just like me. 

This is not a confession from me to her. This is simply me trying to let go of what  have kept for so long. This is also not me being selfish. 

I love her up till now. I really do. She is a good friend of mine and I could not be happier that she was brought to my life. I want to always be her friend, in good and bad times. I love seeing her grow to become a lady that she is now. I have known her for so long and I know her strength and weaknesses. She is an amazing women. It is like the dramas and the movies where there's always that one beautiful girl that everyone likes, the one that will most definitely have a happy ending. She is the one. If you watch that kind of dramas and movies, you'll know. 

This is another personal entry but if you do get to this point, I hope that you'll learn something from my mistake. Till then. 

New Experience

Hello. I haven't write in a while and by 'a while' I actually mean a long time. I wish I have reasons to give as to why I did not write as much as I would like but truth be told, I simply forgot that I have a blog. Aside from that, my so called reasons would only be excuses which I think I should keep to myself instead. Putting that aside, (not that I owe anyone an explanation) I have come to realize that I need to share this thing that kept on bugging me since the first day I entered my class.

You see, I have high expectations when it comes to students and their level of achievements. I don't think much about their attitude because in my perfect world, I assume that with people with higher level of achievement should behave better than everyone else. Well, I was wrong and I actually know that but still, I had hope. So I positively go through my day expecting that everything will be fine and that I can go pass the limit of the traditional way of teaching in class, the chalk and talk, without any problem. Again, I am still wrong but this time, I did not expect that I will be wrong. My 'new' method of teaching did not go well and the first thing that came through my mind was, 'What did I do wrong?'. I kept on analyzing my own teaching and in some parts, I do admit that I did not do well and there are mistakes here and there.

Never have I ever point the cause of the failure to the students because I know that there are many causes of the failure and no one should carry all of the blame. Then, I realize that this whole experience is going to be tough and I would have to constantly improve myself to the better because I'm teaching living human beings. They are going to carry the knowledge that I gave them so I better give the very best. I know that it will never be easy and that I should lower my expectations because as much as I would want things to change, changes takes time. Students still learn through chalk and talk and they are still comfortable with that method with a small additional of discussion here and there. Therefore, however upset I am with the students, I cannot put the blame to them because partly, I have overly high expectations that they will be good in every way.

I should have known that but I still go through every day with high hope because I know that these students can do better and I know that they are capable of so much more.

Okay.. There, I said it and that is that. (at least for now)

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. PLEASE

I'm in my final year of my study and I have a lot to say to some of you who knows me. (k, please don't be offended. or be offended. I don't mind really) 

1. When you're in a group or working in a group, you need to at least contribute something to the group. It's not fair for everyone else when you decided to not participate. 

2. If you're dissatisfied with someone, please don't make a big deal out of it and let everyone know about your problem. Unless you really need a second or third opinion or your problem requires you to share it with everyone. 

3. It's extremely awkward to not say sorry when you messed up. Just say it

4. It's extremely embarrassing when people know that you messed up but you act like nothing happen. Just say you're sorry. Please

5. Sometimes, you need to focus on what's going on around you (I'm talking to you aliaa)

6. Be nice to people, like generally, because you never know when you need their help

7. When people ask you something, give an effort to answer it or at least pretend like you care

8. Don't be mean. Sometimes you don't realize how mean you can be. 

9. Don't ever forget other people's kindness to you

10. When your friends did something terrible, don't abandon them or make them feel bad about it. They can change so help them, don't ignore them. 

11. You need to learn how to be independent

12. You can't always depend on your friends. They have their own life too

13. It's okay to be silly sometimes

14. Don't jump into conclusion. Investigate

15. Don't freak out over small problems that can easily be solve. Calm down

16. If you don't like someone's attitude, take time to have a one on one conversation with them and solve it

17. It can't be helped but if you can, try not to talk bad about other people. Especially your close friends

18. Don't take advantage of other people's kindness

19. Everyone has their own limits. 

20. Excuses are okay but don't overuse it. Once or twice is acceptable

heartless

When you have the heart to tell your own children that they are less than what they really are, you have destroy parts of their life that they are trying to build. Children, they know that they are different from their friends or the people they have met and throughout their life journey to discover themselves and their identity, they have heard many things and seen many things that made them rise and fall. They know and they go through that every single day trying to fit in and trying to find a solid ground where they can stand on while expecting to have a certain kind of comfort that would always motivate them and remind them that they are perfect. They don't have to go too far to find perfection because they are unique individuals who could shine no matter what people say or do to them. They are perfect. You are perfect.

And yet, what they get is that they are less, they are not good enough, they are stupid, they are ugly, they are everything negative the world has to offer. How can a child live with that in mind and with absolutely no where to go to when they lose themselves along the way? I remember someone told me that she was the least pretty among her siblings and even though people kept pointing out the obvious to her, she still put her heads up high and ignore the mean things people say because her father once told her that she is beautiful and that is enough for her to believe in herself that she is indeed beautiful. Yes, beauty is not the most important thing in the world but what i'm trying to tell you here is that she grew up strong and grew up to discover herself and the idea of beauty in its purest form. She didn't have to go around telling people or showing people how beautiful she is because she know that she is beautiful regardless of what people say. It's not all about the outer appearance, it's the inside that counts.

Now if you have the heart to tell your own children that they are less than what they really are, i don't know what kind of person you are. Help them, they are human beings after all and they know when their own parents treat them as if they are unworthy to even stand on the same level as everyone else. They know how to cry and how to feel pain when you said those horrible things about them. They wanted to feel secure and not fall off track when the whole world look down on them. If they can't even feel save under your care, they can never truly find themselves.

OLD IMAM;YOUNG IMAM

It was the month of Ramadan and whenever I'm at home, I would go to the masjid near my house after iftar for tarawih. I got back home for the semester break and I got back earlier than most of my friends from other programs because I had one paper and thankfully, it was early so I don't really have to wait to take that one final paper. So I went home and got to celebrate the holy month with mum. It was just me and my mum because everyone was away but that was fine.

So one night, we went to the masjid as usual and sat at the same spot. I love that masjid for many reasons. I love the bilal when he call for prayers, I love surah that the imam recites and I just love the whole atmosphere. The imam changes from time to time and usually there's two imam and they would take turn to lead the makmum. One imam was quite old, judging from his voice, and sometimes, due to his old age, he forgot few lines in a surah or the current rakaat so it was confusing for us too sometimes. I can tell that he tried his best to lead the prayer and although he sounds rustic, I kinda like it. The other imam was clearly younger than the old imam. His voice was clear and you can actually check on the tajwid while he recites the surah. His pace was faster than the old imam and so the whole prayer finishes early when he leads. I like both to be honest and I don't mind any of it. 

Back to the story, I sat there with my mum waiting for Isya' like we used to and then we heard the azan followed by the imam's voice telling us to straighten rows. It was really easy to identify whose voice it was and it was the young imam's voice. As we heard his command, we stood up for prayers and just so happened, I noticed the people in front of me smile and said, 'oh, imam muda' after hearing that familiar voice, feeling relieved that the young imam is leading and not the old imam. I can see it clearly on their faces that they are actually happy. I'm not sure if I have misjudged the facial expression or what they have said so forgive me for that. Deep down, I truly feel sad when I witness their reaction. 

I mean, why? Why do you think that one imam is less than the other? You don't know them and what they had to go through just to have the opportunity to lead the people. It's a huge thing to be able to lead people in prayers. It might not look like it to you but it is. I don't know. I was sad that whole night thinking about that poor old imam. 

I just have to let it out and I want people to know that if so you don't like something or someone, don't throw them away like they're useless. Don't judge them before you actually know what's going on. Respect and appreciate them for the time that they have serve the people and don't ignore them when they couldn't provide like they used to. They are still people with feelings. 

   

*

I wish I could just pull you out of your misery and take you somewhere different because when I'm near you, I feel like I'm in a dark bubble that could not pop. That bubble is casting a shadow to your soul and even though I know I can't pull you out, I don't want you to stay there forever. You're not happy there, friend. Listen to me, come out and remember the old you, the happy you. Walk out of that darkness and come to me. I will help you. Please.