sorry

i fail.

POSSIBILITIES

possibilities

in life, I learn, there are countless possibilities. those possibilities changes from time to time due to several factors and usually you are the one responsible for each and every changes made and possible things that might occur.

I have also come to understand, fully, that everthing is uncertain. if there are countless possibilities in life, there ought to be countless paths in life that we can take which would only strengthen the understanding that everything is uncertain. and because of that, shouldn't we feel insecure or even afraid of what might or might not happen since, clearly, there's absolutely nothing that we can predict?

no. yes.

uncertainty will most definitely scares us. we will never know what will happen in the future. we could even die this very minute and yet, we live. we survive every day and start a new day again tomorrow. still, we would never know what the future might hold. but possibilities, possibilities make things interesting. you can never imagine what might happen to you in the future but that's fine because there's always a possibility that everything will be okay, that you might live to see another day again tomorrow.

but then again, there's a possibility where things might turn to worst and when that happen, you will know that you don't get to decide how you want your life to be. it's rather confusing at first, I know. I had to stop everything that I was doing and fully gave my attention to this matter when I first thought about it. of course, it the basic understanding in life that things are uncertain and there are countless possibilities in life yada yada yada but to truly understand and to except the fact is another matter.

it's whether you are capable of living your life and accept it as it is or not for you can never predict it but you can always live your life to the fullest and always be thankful for every possibility that comes your way be it good or bad.



I'm mumbling. enough for now

Letter to myself (2014)

Dear Aliaa,

When you feel distress about your love life and you feel like you just want to give up, remember that he's out there somewhere. He exist. When you have trouble finding him, remember that he is the one who is not selfish. He is modest and most importantly, humble. He is the one who would offer his hand to take you to see Allah. He will guide you and he will say that everything will be alright. He will lead, not you. He will come when you need him most. When Allah knows that that is the best time for you to notice him because he show you the side of you you forget. He will embrace you as you will support him. When you feel like it's taking too long for you to see him, just wait another day, month and even another year. Do not give up. Have faith

Students

During my practicum, I was quite close to my students be it the students that I teach or not. I find that I get pretty comfortable around those students than the teachers in the school. The teachers were all nice and they were very helpful in the process of helping me and my friends adjust in the school environment but somehow, I love having students around me than anyone else. I find that I have better connection with my students and I understand them better. 

I spend most of my time talking to students. Aside from the regular class, we were also assigned to relief classes and usually we would get the classes that we did not teach so whenever I go to those classes, I would rarely sit on the teacher's chair. I would go around the class and talk to each students. Sometimes, I would just pull any chair and sit in their group, just to talk.

They were curious about many things and so they ask a lot of things. I didn't mind silly questions because I know that if I don't entertain those silly questions, they might ask someone who have very little knowledge on it. In the end, they would get wrong answers. Might as well entertain it right? I love it anyways. Being teenagers, they love it when someone understands them. Coming from experience, I know that these kids want attention even though they would never admit it, 

You have no idea how close I am with them. The rest of the practicum teachers knew and they just let me be. Though some practicum teachers did warn me of being too close to with the students but I don't really mind it because I know the limit. I don't really care what people say because I was a high school student once and it changes me to the better when there was a teacher who understand and believe in me. I want to be that kind of teacher with those kids and so I gave a portion of my time to them because they need it. 

Now that my practicum has ended, I feel like I want to stay longer. I trust that my students will be fine and I have faith that they will be grow up to be good people. I hope that my little effort to understand them changes their life to the better as how my own teacher helped me change. 

next year

Not going to write that much since I don't know for sure but two big surprises are coming next year and I can't wait to write all about it. Till then, I might not write that much so pray that everything goes well. x

To be continue..

Still deciding on what to write

To a friend

This is for a friend of mine. I know that she's probably not going to read this but who cares. I want to write it out with a tiny hope that she will read it someday.

I first saw her when she was small. She had long beautiful hair that matches her smiling face. I knew it then that we would be best friends. I know from that moment on that we are going to spend a lot of time together and that's what we did. What I did not know was, she was going to change my life drastically. 

I was always fascinated by other people's life and I love observing them and how they go about their daily life. I would then compare it to my normal boring life. I have always thought that there was nothing special about my life when I was small and I grew up understanding that there might be something much more interesting out there. It was worth the time and effort to look for that 'life', I thought. I was immature of course and this little friend of mine caught my attention. She was the ticket, the ticket to a different life. 

So we became friends and we would see each other every day. We talked a lot too and sometimes our conversation would be so long and complicated that we have to continue to the next day. I love talking to her and listening to her stories about her life. Sometimes, I wish I could live her life and experience what it might feel like. She would tell me stories about her school and her family and to me, it sounded wonderful and how I would love to be part of it. 

I wouldn't call it an obsession. I would if it was but it wasn't because I wasn't obsessed with her. I was intrigued by her stories. However, this little desire of mine, to find a different life, took a terrible turn. I found myself consumed with jealousy. There's always a moment in a little girl life where she would be jealous of the things that she did not have. A girl could simply be jealous over a small things such as their friends' toy or something bigger such as their friends' beauty. I was one of those little girl. I was too, jealous. 

I know deep down that it was wrong to be jealous with what my friend have even though in my eyes it felt like she have everything and I have nothing, I still felt that it was not a good feeling to have. Unfortunately, I don't know how to express it or how to deal with it so I kept it, for years and year. I was jealous every time she has a new toy or when people gave her more attention. I was simply jealous and that jealousy grew and grew each year. I never said anything about it to anyone, even to her. 

It changes me. I was no longer the me that I know. I started wanting things that I could not have and even when I did get it, it was a hand me down kind of experience. Pathetic. But it was never her fault and I knew that. She was never at fault. She was always so kind to me. It was always me. I was never happy with who I am and I was the one who wanted more. Of course, at that time, I didn't know that I already have everything and my life was actually perfect. I didn't know of the struggles that she have to go through. I have always see her as someone happy but I never thought that she could actually feel pain and suffering. 

It was selfish of me because I have seen her cry and I have seen her went through tough times but I didn't take that as something serious. Stupid. Stupid Aliaa. My selfishness can go so far that I myself would not realize it. Now, realizing it, I can see her as who she really is, a human. A person with feelings and apparently have more imperfections than I could ever imagine. The perfect image that I always have of her seemed silly now because she was nothing more but a normal human being, just like me. 

This is not a confession from me to her. This is simply me trying to let go of what  have kept for so long. This is also not me being selfish. 

I love her up till now. I really do. She is a good friend of mine and I could not be happier that she was brought to my life. I want to always be her friend, in good and bad times. I love seeing her grow to become a lady that she is now. I have known her for so long and I know her strength and weaknesses. She is an amazing women. It is like the dramas and the movies where there's always that one beautiful girl that everyone likes, the one that will most definitely have a happy ending. She is the one. If you watch that kind of dramas and movies, you'll know. 

This is another personal entry but if you do get to this point, I hope that you'll learn something from my mistake. Till then.