.

i think i'm too young. i question too much and was too scared to look for the answer for i know that i will be wrong in the end. the answer would shut me in deeper and that would not help. 

but i am young. i am angry, impatient and selfish. but i am not stupid. i learn and observe so i questioned. was i wrong to question things i don't know?

being young frustrate me because i have fear that kept on growing around me. i don't understand the things you want me to do. i was told to question and not to question. i was told to grow but was never allow to. which is it? you tell me. i am young, i don't know. tell me

i am tired. i am trapped. 

tell me.

choose your words carefully and tell me. or better yet, show me. 

let me live. 

'so, do you really want to teach?'

'so, do you really want to teach?'

i was asked this question yesterday and it hit me like a bullet from an arm reach distance. i wasn't prepared so i panicked. funny. for someone who is currently studying to become an educator for about two years now, the question should not be so difficult or so shocking to answer. i mean, i should expect people asking me that question. right?

so there i was, sitting there with so i think a blank expression, hesitating. i guess partly, i was taken aback when i found out that the person asking the question is a lecturer and she used to take TESL as well. hmm. i am very sure that she could see right away that i was not ready for this teaching business. 

well, partly, it is true. i'm not ready. i am clueless but confident enough to walk through every lesson and every challenge. so when the question appear, i cannot answer it right away because it's important to me. saying that 'yes, i want to teach' would be sort of like a promise to me. i feel like if i say it that way, i can't take it back and i HAVE to teach no matter what. it's a pressure to me because i don't know how the future might turn out to be. 

okay. i know that i'm making a big deal out of something so simple but hear me out. 

know how everyone have their own motivation? 

well, this is mine. i keep in  mind whatever i just said and i mean every word. 

if i say something i didn't meant, i will regret it so. even if it sounded silly. even that. 

so words, they are important. whatever i said is my source of motivation 

i had a solid answer in my head - YES! I WOULD VERY MUCH LOVE TO TEACH!

but what came out was

'sort of'

that is the best i can give. 

for now

slow down

my brother said that i should just wait and things will come to me naturally. 

it's like a indirect eye opener to all of my problems. i have been running and chasing everything all this time. i was so worried that i might mess up if i slow down or if i let myself go. it is so scary when i look around and all i see is people running and chasing just like i did before and it's like driving on the highway where you can't stop or even drive slowly. that is why i ran and overlooked everything that is not as important as my destination when the truth of the matter is, the destination is not as important as the journey. almost everyone knows that. 

but i was so caught up with something that is so far away from me. i can't even remember what i did the week before because there is nothing to look back to. it as a race. you don't remember what you see when you're running. and at the end of the day, you're just too tired to even think of anything and just went to bed.

so sad. 

i don't know how long will it takes for me to slow down again. one break at a time?

because the world is moving too fast and i want to see and to feel again before i stumble and fall. 

time

i think it's difficult to continue on living when all you can see up front is what you have passed. memories or histories of your life. it is easy to say that we should move on with our life but what does that even mean? the meaning isn't clear enough to be executed. but it is so obvious that it is difficult. how? i don't know.

what i'm trying to say is that most of us grab hold to that past where we so deeply hope to return to but with every step that we take, it will only let us move forward. what happen is that we are all trapped mentally or emotionally. the world is moving but we aren't inside. it happens.

when will it stop?
i don't know.

all i know for sure that time heal almost everything. as you grow up and as you keep on walking, you will soon realize that you have moved on. time. it is never easy but it will go away eventually without you even noticing it.

if time is one of the way to help you move on, then most of us need a lot of time. a lot.

i am 21 this year. it's 2014.
i have grown but i still need more time.

time to know me better
time to let go
time to forgive
time to remember
time to appreciate
time to love
time to learn
time to change and
time to move on.

how do you move on?

love it. it's beautiful

i think people are so beautiful.
regardless of their skin colour or where they come from.
they are all beautiful in their own way.

it's the way they carry themselves. their background and their history. it is all in their blood and that is just magical.

i love the individuality. how every single detail is perfect.

it is sad that most people can't see it.
but if you have the chance, reach for it and try to feel it. it is beautiful and you would feel like you are falling deep into their history. it feels like you're speaking their language and living their life.
it's amazing.

you will feel like the world is too big to look at every detail
and when you do feel like that, look at the people around you. they are the world. look at their faces and you'll see how they have been walking around the world. and now they are here, with every little detail that they carry on from one generation to another.

isn't that amazing?

you yourself is a mixture of the world. simply beautiful.

look at yourself

what do you see?

i have learnt that you eyes can be trained. every single thing that you see is something that will be part of your life and it does not matter if you remember if or not. it is still there or was there in your brain. 

what do you make out of the things that you see is another different story. you see, people would see things in a different perspective and no one is the same. but what do you see would reflect on how you see yourself. eyes can be deceiving as most people have said before but your own interpretation made it deceitful. not really your eyes alone.

if you train your eyes to see the fault of others or things in general, your eyes would notice that before anything else. for example, you would notice how weird your friends dress or how this shoe does not match with that shirt or whatever things that you would notice. you would not notice the good thing first. it's always the bad thing and sometimes, your eyes forbid you to look at the best in things because you have trained it so well to look at the negative side of things. 

now, what would happen when you look in the mirror. what would you see? 

faults. nothing but faults. which would lead you to think that you're not perfect and you're ugly or what not. 

isn't that sad?

do you want to live your life not loving yourself? 

stories rumors stories

i try not to judge when i heard something new because hearing from a single person, two or more is never enough for me to conclude that it's true. people have different definition of things and it might not be the same as the true story. kan kan?

so it's unfair for me to not investigate the matter. if i do care to do a further investigation, i would. but if i don't think it's worth the time, i would just forget about it and carry on with my life. usually i would just ignore.

you can judge. but you have to know the whole story first and you need to know what to judge and why. you can't simple take the truth and throw it on the floor as if it's yours. no! you have to take a good care of it now that you know the truth. either you keep it and do nothing or keep it and help without making a commotion. try not to spread the story. it might worsen the situation. 

you would not like it if everyone knows your problem and even when it's already solved, people kept on talking about it and think that the problem is still there. tak suka kan?

so please. be smart and be wise. if you can't handle it, just shut your ears and ignore the stories. tambah lagi bila orang tu tak berkaitan dengan awak. 

kalau berkaitan, tolong dengan cara yang betul. nak menolong pun ada guideline tau. 

k?