heart

heartbreakers break hearts. 

that is how it goes. 

self reflection of the day

if anyone would ask me what i was like when i was younger, i would say, i was quiet.

it's normal i guess to have a child who is quiet as it is normal to also have a child that is active and cheerful. and it is right to say that every child is different in their own way. my quiet type is not a passive one. when i was a child, i like to observe people especially the so called troublemaker or the bully. there were consequences when you spend time with these people. i got bullied many times but somehow, i kept on being their friend. or, if not friend, a company. it was interesting as time went by because i get to see the real face behind that scary mask. they were not at all different than me or other kids that they have bullied. they were kind in their own way and most of all, they too have weaknesses. 

i found out that listening is very powerful and that a simple company is basically what most people need. i guess that's why those troublemakers and bullies weren't afraid to reveal their true self to me. i was happy that i was the only one who knew their secrets and trust me, if i could betray them and give them back what they have done to me, it would be so easy. however, seeing that honest face, i couldn't. it is not in my nature to seek for revenge. i have a soft heart, i must admit so seeking a revenge was never on my list. 

later on i learnt that all they ever needed was someone who would listen. me, being quiet and all somehow show that i am or could be a good listener. it was a little effort, to listen, but it meant a lot to them. i could not do more as i was only a child so all i did was listen and comfort them when needed. 

i am still the same now. i listen and i am still quiet. but i take in everything that people do and say to me or to others. because i want to fill in that space in their life. i want to be someone who could fit in their unfinished puzzle of life and be the one they look up to when they need a bit of fresh air.

i wish to be able to see more honest faces. 

i write this post because i want to remember that part of me. i tend to forget why i choose to listen sometimes and let people down in return. also, going back to my childhood and remembering how i was made me rediscover the sides of me i once hold dear. i hope with this, i would become a better person and a better me. it is not easy to do that now when there are so many things that made you forget who you truly are inside. 

.

that one time.

i don't look back on that memory
because it's too much to look at. to feel and to be where i used to be
because you see, when i look back, it's as if i'm there.
i feel everything. i hear every single noise made. so close that i could touch it or smell it
i hate it. looking back that is.

but when i do, i would get stuck in that time for some days before i could look forward again and walk on like everyone else. to the future.
to be stuck there and to have no one to pull me back to the real world scares me the most. it's too dark sometimes because i can't see the bright side of what i used to see. everything is so dark

do you understand me?

if you don't, i wont blame you. it's too complicated. but if you do, then you would know how painful it is. to just be there.






it does not matter how much i try to forget it and walk away because in time, i will go back to that memory and let myself sink in to that darkness, only to find myself crying thinking of what i could change. but the truth is, i can't change what had been done. it's stupid to think that i can. so stupid.

but that's just it. my mind is filled with those images. those memories. particularly that memory.

someone. please. take me away. help me.
just this one. help me embrace the past. the memory. that memory.

don't just let me run because the past can catch up to me.
i am not as strong as i appear to be

yes

i need to be kinder to myself. 

entah la

aku rasa aku makin jauh ke dalam kepala sendiri

macam setiap hari aku take one step ke belakang

undur. tak pandang belakang. tak jalan ke depan

macam stuck dan macam sesat

ntah. aku tak faham situasi aku sekarang. 

rasa dia tu macam kau tulis something dekat kertas lepas tu dia terpadam dengan sendirinya

kau tulis lagi benda yang sama tapi dia terpadam lagi atau orang lain sibuk conteng dekat tempat yang kau tulis. so kau kena padam dan tulis balik

penat. 

aku penat.

semua ni buat aku jadi semakin tak yakin dengan apa yang aku tahu.

macam banyak yang aku kena rethink. 

yes, itu process belajar dan membesar. 

aku faham sangat yang tu

tapi rasa dia lain. 

penat dia lain.

sakit dia lain.

entah.

biar

aku rasa kerdil bila dipandang bodoh.

aku tak sepantas kamu yang boleh bertindak tanpa memikirkan baik dan buruk sesuatu tindakan. 

aku tak sebijak kamu yang tak perlu soal kesahihan sesuatu perkara

aku tak sehebat kamu yang boleh merunding jari tanpa mengenali dahulu.

tidak. aku kerdil dan bertambah kerdil bila kamu pandang aku bodoh. 

memang aku bodoh. 

aku yang bergerak perlahan. aku tahu.

aku perlukan masa sebelum aku berbicara. aku takut kalau yang keluar dari mulut aku itu dosa dan boleh menyakiti orang yang mendengarnya. 

aku kerdilkan diri supaya aku mampu melihat dari pandagan yang berbeza. pandagan yang ramai daripada kamu lupa kerana sibuk meninggikan diri. dari bawah aku lihat dan biar diri ini dipandang bodoh.

memang aku bodoh. 

yang bergerak perlahan dan yang reti hidup dengan manusia

walaupun lambat. walaupun dihina dicaci.

kamu yang buta mata dan buta hati. 

hidup keseorangan walaupun dikelilingi manusia.

hebat pada mata tapi kosong jiwanya. 

apa yang dikejar?

yang bodoh ini tidak mengerti. 

you.

when i love someone, i let them go. 

i let them learn and get to know themselves better.

no, letting go does not mean that they are out of your life. letting go means you give them chance to live. i want them to go on and have their own adventure (too cliche?)

i love them. i love you.

i don't care how far you're going or where you are in this world. 

i want you to live and be happy in the end. 

and i want you to know that i am here. you can always find me like how you used to. 

and yes. i do miss you.