The Heart

Love, I learn, is not something you can work on. You can’t possibly work your way into someone’s heart like how you would climb a mountain. You can never do such things because unlike climbing mountains, you can always rest assure that there will be a point at the top of the mountain that you can reach and when you’re up there, the view will be great. It will be worth the time going up there with sweat and tears side by side as you try to reach your destination. 

Sadly, it is impossible to make someone love you. The heart is constant when it comes to love. The heart can love a person for as long as it allow itself to be. The heart can change but not when it comes to love. Once you love someone, there’s no turning back. You will love that person for the rest of your life even when you’re no longer together because when it comes to love, the heart doesn’t forget. The heart does not forget and even when they leave a bigger portion of their heart to someone else, there will always be a room for their past lovers. Why? Because the heart is kind and it takes in the beautiful memories and disregard the pain. Though the heart is kind, you still can’t work your way into it because the heart get to decide if it wants you to be in it and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

You’re nothing. Nothing.

I wish it would be as easy as climbing a mountain but even though you’re climbing the tallest, harshest mountain, it will still be easier than climbing into someone’s heart. 

Random Saturday

I'm happy. 

I was scrolling through Facebook today and I found out that most of my high school mates have moved on with their lives. Some are newlyweds, some expecting their first child and some happily working and chasing their dreams. I'm happy for each and every one of them. Seeing how much people have grown and how much they have changed into a better person made me happy on the inside, The fact that I know those people before made it even more sentimental. I'm just happy. 

I don't know how much I have changed but all I know is that I know myself better than I was before. I had to admit that I do want to feel what my friends are experiencing currently. I do want to have my own family. The one I can always go back to, a home. I want a job that I love and most importantly, I want to be happy. The idea is so sweet and even though I have absolutely no idea when that day will come, I still have faith. 

One day

Bridge

I feel like I'm on a long bridge that I'm currently going back and forth trying to cross it. I'm somewhere between the past and the present. I feel like this might be normal for people in their 20s because as they are growing up, they are realizing that they have to cross a huge bridge to adulthood. Yes, they do carry the title, 'adult' but they are mainly still under their parents' care and haven't actually live independently on their own. Some might but being new in this adult world, they still need some kind of guidance from actual adults whoever they are. I'm not saying that every people in their 20s face this kind of problems. Some do actually make it early and become a fully functional adults so kudos to them. 

What I'm saying is, this crossing over the bridge is real. We're still somewhat longed for our simple life as a child now that we've seen how complicated adult world can be but we also want to grow up and take control over our lives. It's a battle. And for me personally, I can't face the fact that I'm growing up. I have made a home in this uncomfortable bridge and decided to remain on it for as long as I can. Why? Because I'm hella scared. Taking control means taking responsibilities on whatever action you choose to shape your life and that is scary in a way that you might mess up. It's easy to mess up when someone else is in change because you can just say sorry and move on with your life while the people in charge will find a way to fix your error. However, you're in charge when you're a grown up. No grown up will fix a mistake of another grown up. They literally have their own to take care of. 

So..

Where shall we stand now? Should we cross it and take up whatever risk that might come our way or should we wait for a while? I really can't say. 

sorry

i fail.

POSSIBILITIES

possibilities

in life, I learn, there are countless possibilities. those possibilities changes from time to time due to several factors and usually you are the one responsible for each and every changes made and possible things that might occur.

I have also come to understand, fully, that everthing is uncertain. if there are countless possibilities in life, there ought to be countless paths in life that we can take which would only strengthen the understanding that everything is uncertain. and because of that, shouldn't we feel insecure or even afraid of what might or might not happen since, clearly, there's absolutely nothing that we can predict?

no. yes.

uncertainty will most definitely scares us. we will never know what will happen in the future. we could even die this very minute and yet, we live. we survive every day and start a new day again tomorrow. still, we would never know what the future might hold. but possibilities, possibilities make things interesting. you can never imagine what might happen to you in the future but that's fine because there's always a possibility that everything will be okay, that you might live to see another day again tomorrow.

but then again, there's a possibility where things might turn to worst and when that happen, you will know that you don't get to decide how you want your life to be. it's rather confusing at first, I know. I had to stop everything that I was doing and fully gave my attention to this matter when I first thought about it. of course, it the basic understanding in life that things are uncertain and there are countless possibilities in life yada yada yada but to truly understand and to except the fact is another matter.

it's whether you are capable of living your life and accept it as it is or not for you can never predict it but you can always live your life to the fullest and always be thankful for every possibility that comes your way be it good or bad.



I'm mumbling. enough for now

Letter to myself (2014)

Dear Aliaa,

When you feel distress about your love life and you feel like you just want to give up, remember that he's out there somewhere. He exist. When you have trouble finding him, remember that he is the one who is not selfish. He is modest and most importantly, humble. He is the one who would offer his hand to take you to see Allah. He will guide you and he will say that everything will be alright. He will lead, not you. He will come when you need him most. When Allah knows that that is the best time for you to notice him because he show you the side of you you forget. He will embrace you as you will support him. When you feel like it's taking too long for you to see him, just wait another day, month and even another year. Do not give up. Have faith

Students

During my practicum, I was quite close to my students be it the students that I teach or not. I find that I get pretty comfortable around those students than the teachers in the school. The teachers were all nice and they were very helpful in the process of helping me and my friends adjust in the school environment but somehow, I love having students around me than anyone else. I find that I have better connection with my students and I understand them better. 

I spend most of my time talking to students. Aside from the regular class, we were also assigned to relief classes and usually we would get the classes that we did not teach so whenever I go to those classes, I would rarely sit on the teacher's chair. I would go around the class and talk to each students. Sometimes, I would just pull any chair and sit in their group, just to talk.

They were curious about many things and so they ask a lot of things. I didn't mind silly questions because I know that if I don't entertain those silly questions, they might ask someone who have very little knowledge on it. In the end, they would get wrong answers. Might as well entertain it right? I love it anyways. Being teenagers, they love it when someone understands them. Coming from experience, I know that these kids want attention even though they would never admit it, 

You have no idea how close I am with them. The rest of the practicum teachers knew and they just let me be. Though some practicum teachers did warn me of being too close to with the students but I don't really mind it because I know the limit. I don't really care what people say because I was a high school student once and it changes me to the better when there was a teacher who understand and believe in me. I want to be that kind of teacher with those kids and so I gave a portion of my time to them because they need it. 

Now that my practicum has ended, I feel like I want to stay longer. I trust that my students will be fine and I have faith that they will be grow up to be good people. I hope that my little effort to understand them changes their life to the better as how my own teacher helped me change.