From teacher to muallimah.

Being a teacher is not easy.

Once upon a time, abah asked me what do I want to be when I grow up and I answered ustazah. Sis. What? 😂 Okay hear me out. My family is the basic family where are exposure to Islam is limited to school exposure and kelas mengaji and such. Basic. So I tried my very best to remember why I answered ustazah when abah asked me that question.

Turns out, my previous ustazah was super nice. I was a bit slow in primary school, I couldn't read or write until I was 9 ish. So the rest of the teachers was basically lions lah cause tak habis habis muka yang sama je kena marah. And my mom has been called to the principal office more than once because I didn't complete my work. Yeah I don't know

But that ustazah never raised her voice or even rotan me. Those where the days when budak sekolah bleh dirotan. Haha good times. So yes, I remember her for her kindness and I want to be like that. A kind and loving teacher.

So now I'm a teacher, officially. It is NOT easy. I teach primary kids, like 7 and 8 year old and they can be handful sometimes. I love them so much and trust me, most of my energy were invested for them. I learn so much from teaching them and making sure they are learning something, even the smallest thing everyday. It's exhausting but rewarding at the same time when they get all excited when I entered the class, like every single day, they would wait for my period. As soon as I step in the class, they cheered. Literally. Took me 5 minutes to make sure they settle down haha but worth it. Seriously seronok ajar tahun 1. I love them. Dah la comel ahhhh I cannot

I kinda understand why my ustazah was the only one being nice to me because I would be frustrated too if I had to deal with that much nakal in one class. But my ustazah punya tahap kesabaran is really something else. It's amazing how she managed to keep the class in check and make sure that everyone ikut dan faham apa yang dia ajar. Amazing.

Still, I'm really trying to adapt. Every class is different and they need different approaches that would suit them. If you wish to be a teacher and I really need to say this up front, it's not for everyone, you need to have the highest level of sabar. And a sprinkle of fun. They would love you and would be so thankful for you. I mean, teachers are their second parents after all. They spend half of their time in school. Might as well, get to know each other kan?

 btw, we called female teacher - muallimah, in our school.

Dark pool.

I find that whenever I let myself be consumed by negative thoughts, it feels as if the world is small, the future seemed dark and time stood still. Nothing good came out and I found myself sinking deep into a spiral of dark and destructive thoughts with no way of turning back. These feelings resulted in me shutting myself out from the real world and just go with the flow of the current, taking me to wherever it wants. There are moments when I snapped and got back to reality where I can actually feel the emptiness.

Bismillah. Life updates

So..

I'm writing again while I wait for work to be done. As the title stated, this is the life update that I've been waiting to write, that I've wrote and never posted and that I somehow found it unnecessary to even blast out in the open for everyone to read because I was self conscious. yikes.

But here goes. I'm 27 this year. Life has been amazingly surprising. I would like to just mention, in case I didn't mention it before (couldn't recall), I've always had a life plan since I was in high school. It's quite basic where I aim to finish my study, work and buy my own home and somehow along the way, find a life partner. Something like that.

It didn't go exactly as planned as I didn't plan to continue my masters which I did and finished a semester late. So the initial plan got pushed back a few years but it's all good. I'm working now and actually love my job. It's exhausting and quite repetitive at times which made me bored more time than I wish to admit. But I pull through and betulkan niat. It's a responsibility and amanah so do it well. Alhamdulillah, getting by one day at a time.

 I have to say that most things are going well and according to plan except for love life. Okay, as funny as it sound, I NEVER had problems with my love life before but well oh well, I did. Since I never had that difficulty, I was struggling hard. I've tried everything to maintain a relationship, to end a relationship and to build a relationship. Yes, in that order, with different people. I guess the lesson I learn from this is, if it's not the right person, no matter how hard you try, it will never work. A hard lesson that I have to learn. I'm not going to go into details of the drama, crying and sad times but I must say, the good memories kept me sane. Kept me praying for the best, for all of us. If I'm being honest to myself, I would never go back to that moment to even try to fix things. I believe there was a hikmah for everything, that Allah is saving us from something we can never imagine. The sadness is temporary and I pray that the past will not hunt us, but teach us something good.

Phew, done with the heavy stuff. Now something light. I'm working on something big, the next step in my life plan. I'm trying to save up for many things right now like buying a house, marriage and travels. Big things that need more careful planning and trial and error. So I guess for now, that is all I can share? I guess? So in case I remember that I have this blog, I might update again like in the next two years 😂

So insyaAllah, pray for me.

Dearest

Dear Nabilah,

We, my sisters and I, had the conversation about who will my brother end up with for the longest time. We talked about it every time we picture what our future will be. You see, we are very close. Mama and Abah taught us to always love and cherish each other. We had our differences and we had our good times but most importantly, we always stand by each other. Now, Ami, being the only boy in the family, has always been the popular one. We always want a piece of him and he was usually annoyed and needed his time but being a good brother that he always is, he entertained all of us silly sisters without many questions asked.

We love him deeply. My early childhood is filled with memories of him by my side. Since we're a year apart, we usually do most things together. Though I'm sure that my sisters have a fair share of memories they share with him, I have mine too and I self-claim that mine are the best, hehe. But, truly, as I grow up and as we all grow up, I saw my bother become the man the he always wanted to be. Someone who is good to his family and friends. Someone who is smart and independent. Someone who is strong but also very lovable. Someone who is not afraid to stand for what he believe in.

And when he brought home a girl with him one day, we lost our familiar ground for a moment and for that moment, I felt betrayed. All my life I never thought that it would be this soon. That all of the years talking about the girl that would steal his heart, that fateful day, I would meet you. We were somewhat angry because he did not tell any of us about you but decided to keep you a secret. I honestly needed time to adjust to the whole feeling and it took me so long to like you, more accurately, to open up to the idea. Still, I felt betrayed but I love him so I gave him a chance and took my sweet time to accept your existence in our little but happy family. I guess part of me hated that surprise and that sudden change.

I cannot lie when I say that I did everything that I can to remain as distant as possible. The reality did not sink in yet, that we were about to lose our one and only prince. Trust me, it was hard on everyone. And I personally find that it was hardest for me. Changing is never easy. As time goes by, I slowly let you in but still keeping my guard up. And when the day finally come, the engagement day, I let go of every bad thoughts and leave everything to God. And the only reason that I did that was because of my brother. I saw it in his eyes. He truly loves you. He opened his heart for you. And that is the one thing I cannot stop him from doing, which is to love.

He has loved each and every one of us with all his heart and I don't have the heart to stop him from loving whoever he chooses because if you truly love someone, you would love the things and the people that your lover loves. And I love Ami and he loves you, so I will love you too, for him. In time, InsyaAllah, I would love you for you. You have made our one and only prince happy and that is all I ever wanted. Trust that he will make you happy too.

So Nabilah, no matter how much I resist, Allah knows best. Allah has put you in this earth for many things and one of those things is to love my brother, my Ami. We love him so much. Please take a good care of him as he will do the same to you as he always does to us. I humbly let you in our small but happy family and may you find happiness with us now part of your life. We are not perfect, I am not perfect, but we will always be there for one another, to love and to hold. If you are willing, I am more than happy to call you family.

love.

LIFE PLAN

I had a life plan when I was form 4. I remember sitting in class with my friends, talking about where we are heading after school and what do we want for our future to be like. I had small group of friends that have almost the same set of mind like I did. We wanted a future that suits ourselves. We talked about it almost every month, drawing our ideal future in our mind.

My plan was to finish school, continue my studies up to degree, get a job, save money to take care of my parents, travel, get married (probably) and continue life as is

Well, the plan as vague. I was 16, nothing was set in stone yet and I was still planning as I go but the main plan was as stated above. Nothing changes except when I finished my degree in TESL. I didn't know what to do after that. I had my plan but towards the end, things changes. First off, I didn't think that I was going to be a teacher. So the idea of going back to school to teach is somewhat new and I realize that the plan I had when I was 16 was somewhat flawed (obviously).

I did not take into consideration that there are many possibilities in life and I might end up where I least expected. I love teaching, I really do. The idea that I might be a teacher, a real teacher, one day seemed surreal to me when I finished my degree. I didn't complete my application to be a teacher but instead I applied to continue my studies. I am  now at the final stage of my master. By the end of this year, I'm done.

I'm back to the same stage where I need to move on to the next phase of my life, get a job. Part of me want to move on and part of me want to continue my studies. Both, in my opinion, would benefit me in the future but I had to choose one. I'm terrified. I wish I was as confident as I was when I was 16. Being young made you think that anything is possible. You aren't tainted by ideas of failure, you just go with it and try everything.

My friends have moved on to the work phase of their life long before I finish my degree. I admire their will to survive and to face life without fear. One of them even move to the marriage stage and I am so happy for each and every one of them. Me on the other hand, still figuring out my life

(update)
I wrote this months ago, it's may 2018 now and things have changed. I was worried but alhamdulillah rezeki came and I got a job offer so now the plan changes again. 16 year old aliaa would be proud! I'm still planning for the future, there are many possibilities and I will not stop learning. I'm going to continue with my studies. Pray for me, whoever is reading. thank you, much love 

Forgiveness

I forgive, for all the things that people did to me and I take that as a lesson. I know that life is not all sweet and I know that there will be days when pain and suffering will find their way to my door. I accept it and I treat them as equal. Yes, I believe that Allah gave me those things for a reason and it is something I have to live with so I don't see why I should feel bad about it. I understand that sometimes, I will find it hard to accept everything in one bite but trust me when I say this, I will one day. Slowly but surely. Do not feel bad for what had happened because I don't. 

As the saying goes, 

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional

So it's your choice.

Sorry for a short one, I have to let this one out. I'll write more. Till then, love. 

On marriage (AGAIN!)

Hello readers!

I had a talk with my sister the other day about marriage. Since she's already married, it's natural for her, as my older sister, to advice me to get married as soon as possible. I get her point and I respect her views but being me, I know that marriage is not something I would want to focus on at the moment. I know myself too well and I know that I can't settle down just yet. There's so much I want to do and though I know I can always do it with someone, a husband, by my side, it would not be the same as doing things on my own. 

I guess part of me wishes for freedom. Coming from a very strict family, I grew up fine but having lack of exposure to the real world, I kinda want to explore the world once I get the sweet taste of freedom. Although technically I don't have total freedom, I still get to view the world on my own. (sometimes without the knowledge of my parents. sorry mama abah) And talking about freedom, I don't mean that all this time, my parents kept me in, lock in my room, NO! I meant, my parents were more careful when deciding to let me out into the 'wild'. I totally understand their decision but it has its pros and cons. 

The kind of freedom that I want is not as big as you think. I just wanted to go to places without the accompany of my parents or family. Again, don't get me wrong, I love going to places with them but it's not the same as going to places on my own. You learn more things when you're alone and when you're with family, you don't really experience things first hand. I find that I don't know even the very basic thing on how to survive in the real world because I always have someone else to do it for me. I don't want to live that way and I don't wish to learn to depend on other people for everything. 

So, getting married is still in the to do list but I'm not in a rush to scratch that off my to do list. Trust me, like other girls, I do want to have my own family, have babies and what not, but if I don't get the chance to do this for myself, I will never learn. So this freedom is not so much of a freedom but more of a learning process. So I hope this will clear up why I wish not to think of marriage at the moment.

If you're going through the same thing as I am, I highly encourage you to follow your heart, Do whatever is best for you and don't let other people decide things for you that you know you can't follow. But take their advises sebab tak semua yang pahit tu racun. They love you, that is why they want the best for you. I hope you get what you need in the future and I pray for happiness for everyone. Jangan stress kalau orang desak suruh kahwin. Mintak orang yang desak awak tu doakan yang terbaik je untuk awak. Lepas tu forget everything, pergi travel, have fun, take pictures banyak banyak! 

kahkah