love

i did not have the best story at the beginning. my story did not start with a happy introduction. it was a dark dark past but it got better. alhamdulillah. i did not ask for it to happen but Allah knows what is the best for me. 

i am happy that i went through all that. it made me stronger. and i know that things might not stay the same as i wanted. i might fall again but my faith and love will still be there when i do.  i have Allah. i know and i'm sure.

i forget sometimes but i know my way back. 

i could be sad. i could be happy. i could even fall in love with someone. but i could not leave Allah. i couldn't. because Allah is my reason. 

i don't know what else to say but this is the only thing that i want now. my faith and love to Allah. 

i've been lost for a long time and i'm afraid that i might be lost again. i don't want that.

friends, know that i love you. don't give up please. it is hard but don't give up. 

never lose hope in Allah. He's there for you. ask. 

short

i now know how to approach it the right way and i shall not let it drown me

or

just let it flow and move on like i used to.  

i would try. both. 

true friends.

a friend once shared something rather simple yet important and useful.

she told us her stories or past and came to the point where she was talking to her high school teacher.

her teacher advised her on making friends since she came from a small place and going to study in a far more developed place. the teacher said (i'm paraphrasing) 'kalau nak cari kawan, cari lah dalam surau'.

and she found her friends. alhamdulillah. 

                                                ........................................................

there i was, sitting there as i was listening to her stories not know how i have wasted so many opportunity of actually making the best friends i could ever find. yes, i am sitting in the surau at that moment but i felt like should step in here a long time ago. 

back in school, i made friends with my classmate (of course) and i would usually go to the surau at school and i love the place. there, i would invite my friends to join me and alhamdulillah they followed. it was the best of time but i forgot all about it as soon as i left school which is sad. i forget the feeling, the calmness that i felt when i'm there and i hate it. 

but when i'm here, and when i first step in this surau, i felt as if i'm accepted. no judgement whatsoever. i felt the bond, i felt the friendship all over again and it was wonderful. it is like a new world to me yet so familiar and loving. the people here accept you and that's the best thing ever.

i love it. 

this is my place and they are my friends. thank you Ya Rabb :)

i am a bad person

i love making friends but people tend to define me as someone not to be trusted and sort of hypocrite in someways. i don't blame them completely because i do have that unwanted qualities. qualities? i honestly think that i do give that 'i'm a bad person' look to most people which i'm terribly sorry but i don't realize it most of the time and that gave me a hard time. but as soon as they are brave enough to actually talk to me in person, they were shocked of how different i am. ehem 

anyways. i am hypocrite sometimes. well, i don't really know how to define the word hypocrite. i don't know how you define it but i think i'm hypocrite because i tend to try a little bit too hard on trying to fit in. well, i know that i could just talk to you and be friends and stuff but i can't because i was afraid that you might not want to be friends. which will lead to awkwardness and sadness. to me that is. i tried to hard okay  sorry

so this lead to a different type me. the type that i thought would fit with most of you and i should just continue being different and be happy.

NOT

after a while i stopped being the fake me or the pretend me because i feel more comfortable being who i really am. and that leads to people thinking or realizing how hypocrite i am. it's true i'm sorry. they saw how different i am and they hate it. huh.

it is hard for me because i don't have a very good past. you get the picture.

so now i actually want to be myself and i tried it here in shah alam and i made it. for now. i'm happy and i don't care anymore when people judge me. not that they judge me in anyway but if they tend to do it like most of my friends did, then what the heck. i don't care anymore. if it's an acceptable comment about me that i would consider to take it but if it's just a lame one than i'm sorry brahh i just don't care. it has been fun with the fact that i don't have to worry anymore.

i told my few friends how i was and how i am and they seemed to understand. i don't know if they can accept it but i'm glad that they don't give you that 'i'm judging you right now' look.

i'm trying to be me again. a better me. so please friends, if you want to give me something, give me something that i really need not something that you need to make yourself happy and proud. for the wrong reason. please?

be happy.

i look for the smallest things that usually ignored in life and those little things will never fail to make me happy. i am grateful of those little things and i really hope that more people would see what i see everyday or what i feel. because then you'll remember that you had the best things in life. 

it's all around you. 

look. 

Please.

Please people. Do understand that the three words, I LOVE YOU, are not something to be play with. Be serious will you? People might get hurt with those words. You don't simply say it to anyone and walk away as if it meant nothing. If it doesn't mean anything to you then fine. Just DON'T say it and keep your meaningless 'i love you' to yourself.

Seriously.

judgemental.

hah!

assalamualaikum. 

er. lama tak update. 

hi. i've been wanting to share this for quite some times. so here i go.

last few weeks i've been in my literature class which is twice a week to be exact, i had admit there is so many things that i know but i didn't dug deeper and grab that knowledge. basically, i just take them lightly before. the reason is, whatever that i know generally about something is only on the surface level where i ignore or take little notice of the real meaning or motives. which is sad.

i'm 19 and i only know this now and i feel stupid because i know stuff but i still do it because i don't feel like it's not that important or i just don't have the interest to care of others.

what i'm trying to explain here is the fact that we judge to easily and i'm not gonna talk about those judgement on a large scale. let us start with the small one. 

my lecturer said to us that we should always consider the other people side of story. i'm trying to put you yourself as the main character because you are the main character in your story. so you know your story but don't know others until you ask them or you find out yourself. until then, you can't really can't write your own conclusion on other's story when you don't even know their them. 

you're not the writer. they live their life. 

when we judge, it is sort if like we are not allowing the other people to make their own path. to change or to be better in life. maybe they wanted to change. maybe they had tried many many times but we are the one who pushed them away just because it does not suit our taste or the community. 

of course, what's bad is bad. nothing will change there but what's bad is not the doer but the things that they do. accept them as a human being. if they do bad things, it means they can do good as well. open your arms as wide as you can and know their story. 

it might not be as well written as our story so why don't we help them write and not force them to. 

hm?