I first saw her when she was small. She had long beautiful hair that matches her smiling face. I knew it then that we would be best friends. I know from that moment on that we are going to spend a lot of time together and that's what we did. What I did not know was, she was going to change my life drastically.
I was always fascinated by other people's life and I love observing them and how they go about their daily life. I would then compare it to my normal boring life. I have always thought that there was nothing special about my life when I was small and I grew up understanding that there might be something much more interesting out there. It was worth the time and effort to look for that 'life', I thought. I was immature of course and this little friend of mine caught my attention. She was the ticket, the ticket to a different life.
So we became friends and we would see each other every day. We talked a lot too and sometimes our conversation would be so long and complicated that we have to continue to the next day. I love talking to her and listening to her stories about her life. Sometimes, I wish I could live her life and experience what it might feel like. She would tell me stories about her school and her family and to me, it sounded wonderful and how I would love to be part of it.
I wouldn't call it an obsession. I would if it was but it wasn't because I wasn't obsessed with her. I was intrigued by her stories. However, this little desire of mine, to find a different life, took a terrible turn. I found myself consumed with jealousy. There's always a moment in a little girl life where she would be jealous of the things that she did not have. A girl could simply be jealous over a small things such as their friends' toy or something bigger such as their friends' beauty. I was one of those little girl. I was too, jealous.
I know deep down that it was wrong to be jealous with what my friend have even though in my eyes it felt like she have everything and I have nothing, I still felt that it was not a good feeling to have. Unfortunately, I don't know how to express it or how to deal with it so I kept it, for years and year. I was jealous every time she has a new toy or when people gave her more attention. I was simply jealous and that jealousy grew and grew each year. I never said anything about it to anyone, even to her.
It changes me. I was no longer the me that I know. I started wanting things that I could not have and even when I did get it, it was a hand me down kind of experience. Pathetic. But it was never her fault and I knew that. She was never at fault. She was always so kind to me. It was always me. I was never happy with who I am and I was the one who wanted more. Of course, at that time, I didn't know that I already have everything and my life was actually perfect. I didn't know of the struggles that she have to go through. I have always see her as someone happy but I never thought that she could actually feel pain and suffering.
It was selfish of me because I have seen her cry and I have seen her went through tough times but I didn't take that as something serious. Stupid. Stupid Aliaa. My selfishness can go so far that I myself would not realize it. Now, realizing it, I can see her as who she really is, a human. A person with feelings and apparently have more imperfections than I could ever imagine. The perfect image that I always have of her seemed silly now because she was nothing more but a normal human being, just like me.
This is not a confession from me to her. This is simply me trying to let go of what have kept for so long. This is also not me being selfish.
I love her up till now. I really do. She is a good friend of mine and I could not be happier that she was brought to my life. I want to always be her friend, in good and bad times. I love seeing her grow to become a lady that she is now. I have known her for so long and I know her strength and weaknesses. She is an amazing women. It is like the dramas and the movies where there's always that one beautiful girl that everyone likes, the one that will most definitely have a happy ending. She is the one. If you watch that kind of dramas and movies, you'll know.
This is another personal entry but if you do get to this point, I hope that you'll learn something from my mistake. Till then.