From teacher to muallimah.

Being a teacher is not easy.

Once upon a time, abah asked me what do I want to be when I grow up and I answered ustazah. Sis. What? 😂 Okay hear me out. My family is the basic family where are exposure to Islam is limited to school exposure and kelas mengaji and such. Basic. So I tried my very best to remember why I answered ustazah when abah asked me that question.

Turns out, my previous ustazah was super nice. I was a bit slow in primary school, I couldn't read or write until I was 9 ish. So the rest of the teachers was basically lions lah cause tak habis habis muka yang sama je kena marah. And my mom has been called to the principal office more than once because I didn't complete my work. Yeah I don't know

But that ustazah never raised her voice or even rotan me. Those where the days when budak sekolah bleh dirotan. Haha good times. So yes, I remember her for her kindness and I want to be like that. A kind and loving teacher.

So now I'm a teacher, officially. It is NOT easy. I teach primary kids, like 7 and 8 year old and they can be handful sometimes. I love them so much and trust me, most of my energy were invested for them. I learn so much from teaching them and making sure they are learning something, even the smallest thing everyday. It's exhausting but rewarding at the same time when they get all excited when I entered the class, like every single day, they would wait for my period. As soon as I step in the class, they cheered. Literally. Took me 5 minutes to make sure they settle down haha but worth it. Seriously seronok ajar tahun 1. I love them. Dah la comel ahhhh I cannot

I kinda understand why my ustazah was the only one being nice to me because I would be frustrated too if I had to deal with that much nakal in one class. But my ustazah punya tahap kesabaran is really something else. It's amazing how she managed to keep the class in check and make sure that everyone ikut dan faham apa yang dia ajar. Amazing.

Still, I'm really trying to adapt. Every class is different and they need different approaches that would suit them. If you wish to be a teacher and I really need to say this up front, it's not for everyone, you need to have the highest level of sabar. And a sprinkle of fun. They would love you and would be so thankful for you. I mean, teachers are their second parents after all. They spend half of their time in school. Might as well, get to know each other kan?

 btw, we called female teacher - muallimah, in our school.

Dark pool.

I find that whenever I let myself be consumed by negative thoughts, it feels as if the world is small, the future seemed dark and time stood still. Nothing good came out and I found myself sinking deep into a spiral of dark and destructive thoughts with no way of turning back. These feelings resulted in me shutting myself out from the real world and just go with the flow of the current, taking me to wherever it wants. There are moments when I snapped and got back to reality where I can actually feel the emptiness.

Bismillah. Life updates

So..

I'm writing again while I wait for work to be done. As the title stated, this is the life update that I've been waiting to write, that I've wrote and never posted and that I somehow found it unnecessary to even blast out in the open for everyone to read because I was self conscious. yikes.

But here goes. I'm 27 this year. Life has been amazingly surprising. I would like to just mention, in case I didn't mention it before (couldn't recall), I've always had a life plan since I was in high school. It's quite basic where I aim to finish my study, work and buy my own home and somehow along the way, find a life partner. Something like that.

It didn't go exactly as planned as I didn't plan to continue my masters which I did and finished a semester late. So the initial plan got pushed back a few years but it's all good. I'm working now and actually love my job. It's exhausting and quite repetitive at times which made me bored more time than I wish to admit. But I pull through and betulkan niat. It's a responsibility and amanah so do it well. Alhamdulillah, getting by one day at a time.

 I have to say that most things are going well and according to plan except for love life. Okay, as funny as it sound, I NEVER had problems with my love life before but well oh well, I did. Since I never had that difficulty, I was struggling hard. I've tried everything to maintain a relationship, to end a relationship and to build a relationship. Yes, in that order, with different people. I guess the lesson I learn from this is, if it's not the right person, no matter how hard you try, it will never work. A hard lesson that I have to learn. I'm not going to go into details of the drama, crying and sad times but I must say, the good memories kept me sane. Kept me praying for the best, for all of us. If I'm being honest to myself, I would never go back to that moment to even try to fix things. I believe there was a hikmah for everything, that Allah is saving us from something we can never imagine. The sadness is temporary and I pray that the past will not hunt us, but teach us something good.

Phew, done with the heavy stuff. Now something light. I'm working on something big, the next step in my life plan. I'm trying to save up for many things right now like buying a house, marriage and travels. Big things that need more careful planning and trial and error. So I guess for now, that is all I can share? I guess? So in case I remember that I have this blog, I might update again like in the next two years 😂

So insyaAllah, pray for me.