happy or sad

i hate myself sometimes. 

i think i love people too much.

to be apart from those people will never be my choice. it hurts too much to let go.
but if we do, i would be awfully sad. very sad that i would cry and i don't cry that much. but i did. i cried my eyes out.

sigh.

to think of all the memories that we had. the usual feeling that we had everyday. my on earth would i want to let go of all that? no reason. but i can't change the fact that we're no longer together. the feeling's gone  and i wont be the same after.

sigh.

sad days to come huh?

well, it used to be like that whenever my mind went flying back to the happy days. sad and tears. eventually. i could only think of something that would make me sad and honestly, now, i'm tired of it.
seriously. yes, it hurts to be apart but i can do nothing until we meet again.

and what up with the sad stuff? aren't there any happy memories to recall? no? of course there is.

when i started to think of the happy times together, the feeling changes. we had a great time together and now we're taking a break. soon, maybe, we'll see each other. what's the different? it will be the same smile, the same laugh,  the same stuff we did together right?

i mean, there will be that time. the time where we will feel the same again deep down even though we're not the same anymore and we've met different people and have different way of life. with all that differences, we have the same memories. so what's the big deal?

fuh.

i guess, i'm no longer sad. yay.

i can't wait to meet all of you again. even if it's just a minute. of less than that.


see you  

Ah. Pening..

Kalau nak buat apa apa keputusan, tolong la consider Allah sebagai tempat untuk mintak tolong ataupun petunjuk.
Ya, kadang kadang kita terlepas pandang atau abaikan the fact that setiap keputusan yang kita pilih tu ada consequence nya. In the end orang lain juga yang dipersalahkan. Kesian.
Cuba bayangkan kalau kita letakkan Allah dulu sebelum membuat apa apa keputusn, insyaAllah everything will turn out well.
And if it does not turn out the way you have wanted it to, just reflect for a while and think positive.
Allah tak kejam. Mesti ada sebab kenapa tak dapat. Fikir sejenak. Mungkin ada yang lebih baik? Mungkin?
Tetapi kena ingat, mungkin semua yang kita dapat ni tak elok untuk kita tapi Allah nak uji. Things can happen and we'll never know.
Ask Allah for help. Siapa lagi yang nak tolong kan? So go ahead Aliaa :)
Ask.

tolong lah berubah

i hate it when i did something incredibly wrong, realized it and did nothing to prevent myself from making some more stupid mistakes. how can i do that to myself? 

tak takut ke hah?! hish.

i should change.

CHANGE! 

HAPPY EID

happy eid everyone!
may Allah bless you and your family in this month of ramadan and just a bit more to syawal.
patient!

have a happy eid 

take care and come back home in one piece :)

EXPERIMENT!

my younger sister is going to sit for her PMR and we went to her school yesterday for solat hajat. 

i'm sure every school did the same thing for PMR and SPM candidates. 

so.

i don't really know what to wear and i'm too lazy to pick up a baju kurung and iron it so i wore a jubah instead. since i don't have the black hijab that i used to wear anymore, i though of wearing the one that i bought from ajmal and see how things go. 

an experiment with a bidang 60 hijab.

first thing that went through my mind was, is this okay? i was worried to tell the truth. from the moment i wear the hijab. i've never wear this kind of hijab. not this long. the longest was bidang 50. i wore it twice during the orientation in UiTM and that's it. 

surprisingly, it felt normal. it's the same feeling like when i wear the usual hijab. yes, it is longer but it didn't get it my way. i can move my arms perfectly, it is not heavy like i thought i would and i can still do the same style and look the same. oh! and carrying my bag was easier. seriously. 

so when i arrived there, it was NORMAL! and there i was, expecting something extraordinary would happened! i walked around the school with my sister while waiting for iftar and that was normal too.

i don't really pay much attention after that. so everything was okay and we did solat sunat hajat and tarawih and went home. 

i did realize a few things. first major important thing was, people respect me in a whole different level. they didn't judge. they just leave me alone which is good. deep down i do feel terrible because i don't feel like i'm good person on the inside. sigh. 

the rest was within me. i was so afraid that people will judge. they will of course, no doubt about it. i'm afraid that people will look at me as someone who knows a lot about Islam and i don't. i don't know that much. the things that i know are the things that i've learnt in school. my friends gave out some information and basically i'm still learning. 

i can't answer all of the questions. i just don't know yet. and that's the responsibility that i have to hold on to if i wear what i wore yesterday as a daily look. 

that stereotype thinking. you know what i mean. sighhh

i want to wear it as i feel safe but i don't want to fail. i have to improve myself before could be like that. have to. hm. 

so that's my experiment. 

i praise all of the woman wearing that kind of hijab. you're the best. really.